How to Show Up In Community When You Feel Like You Can't
We know that community is the medicine AND that alone doesn't make it any easier to show up and receive it.
Transcript of audio:
I am excited to talk about this because it feels so timely: How to show up for community when you feel like you can't, when it feels really, really hard, when you don't really feel like it or when it's damn near impossible.
I'm bringing this up because it's all around me, all the time. I know that I struggle sometimes to be a good friend, an engaged community member, to show up alongside of those who are fighting for liberation, justice, peace, all those things, while also trying to manage my own life, my children, my partner, my family members, and my other obligations.
The dilemma I see is that on one hand — we know that community is the solution to all of the problems that we have. Literally, the medicine that we need is in community.
When we show up to the function, we get what we need. We feel energized. We get resources. We put our brains, bodies, capacities, our resources - we pool them all together to be better than something that we are alone.
We know that community is going to save us. Community has our back. Community is where it's at and yet..
I know that it also will become harder and harder for us, there will be more and more barriers to us, meeting in community, showing up for community.
Empire is empiring, y'all.
Empire is competing for our attention, so is social media. Governments banning stories, spaces, trying to ban and erase people, prevent us from meeting because it knows that community is the solution.
We are tired because of empire. Our ability to dream, to connect, to give each other benefit of the doubt, to give folks more chances and to show up over and over again is diminished because we are busy trying to dismantle systems of oppression on an individual level, all the way to the macro.
We also are being harmed by these systems. So some of us are in distress, some of us are distracted, some of us are depressed, and these systems want us to be isolated. It literally entices and incentivizes us to try to live, exist, be on an island because then we are separate from our power, our resources, a way through.
And so as I know this is coming up for more and more people, I wanted to share a little bit about what I see as a way forward for all of us.
One piece that feels especially important as we try to navigate showing up in community when we feel like we can't is acknowledging how we feel and where we are.
The only thing worse than not feeling like going to the function, not feeling like coming into community, not feeling like showing up to the thing we say we would show up to is feeling bad about doing all those things.
So not only do we feel bad, not only do we not go or say no or don't show up, then we shame and blame ourselves. We go into a spiral. We say that we are bad.
And so the first thing I think that would be helpful for us to do is just to acknowledge that it makes sense that we might have a hard time showing up in community. It's okay that we might have a hard time showing up in community. There's lots of things that are in the way of us showing up in community.
Sometimes it's us and a lot of times it's a mixture of factors and we can acknowledge that we are human and that that makes sense.
We know that acknowledging the fear that comes up in us can help us move through it. When we're trying to avoid it or we shame it, or we try to move past it, it doesn't go anywhere and lots of times it just gets bigger.
Some of us are afraid of being rejected in community.
Some of us are afraid of not being woke enough in community.
Some of us are afraid of being wrong or bad or not enough in community.
Some of us are trying to be perfect and get it right; and sometimes community can expose where we are wrong. Where we have fallen short, where we need work.
Community can highlight something that we are missing, something that we haven't seen as part of our wholeness.
We can acknowledge that sometimes showing up in community, is really hard for us because of our anxiety, because of our depression, because of our mental health, and our society has made that a shameful, individual thing, instead of looking at the cultural, institutional, and systemic factors that make that a reality for many of us.
Some of us need to acknowledge the fear of being awkward, the discomfort, the inconvenience, and sometimes impracticality that it takes to be in community.
It makes sense that [all of that] would make it hard for us to show up time and time again when we are needed, when we say we're going to be there, when we know that the community is the answer. Even still because of these things, for whatever reason, we don't show up.
And so if we can acknowledge and normalize the way that we feel and where we are, we might be able to move through and forward, getting closer to showing up in community to get the help that we need.
Another piece that feels really important as we think about how to show up in community when you feel like you can't: I do think that as we acknowledge where we are, it is okay to give yourself grace and compassion for how you are and who you are.
Sometimes we need to take a break from community. That is true.
That [also] doesn't mean that we turn into trying to be an island.
We don't have to go to all of the events. We don't have to show up for every single thing. We do not have to commit to all of the things. It is okay to pick and choose according to our capacity, and many of us are relearning or maybe unlearning what it is to be in community.
How do you show up time and time again? How do you follow through with your promises? How do you meet a need when it is stated and requested?
Some of us are learning that for the first time or relearning that or unlearning what we've thought it has to look like. And so as we do that, give yourself grace.
If you've been in community and you've been burnt, you've been let down, it didn't live up to your expectations or what you wanted or needed, it can be really hard for us to show up again and again and again.
And so it is okay to say, I'm gonna give myself a little bit of grace here. This is really tough for me, and I'm going to keep trying.
We have to get comfortable with the discomfort of community, the exposure of community, the inconvenience of community, the what I named as impracticality of community, and look at and discern where our window of tolerance ends into being wholly not helpful or even harmful to our being.
Communities that are healthy do not ask you to give all of yourself without receiving anything.
Healthy communities require reciprocity.
Healthy communities require a give and take, a back and forth.
Times for people to step in and times for folks to step out.
Times for people to take a rest and times for people to move forward into the light.
And so if you are always giving and never receiving, that's something to look at too as we learn how to show up in community, even when we feel like we can't.
Another important point is for us to learn how to better communicate. Of course, we do not have to overexplain ourselves. We do not have to apologize for our being and who and how we are, and in many instances, we can communicate where we are so that we can receive the community that we need in that moment.
I don't know how many times I have gone through this process of acknowledging where I am. Giving myself some grace and communicating to the team, to my community, to the group that I'm not doing well. And yes, I had to move through fears of being rejected or judged.
And in almost every single instance, I was affirmed. I was given grace. I was asked what I need, and I received the community, the medicine, the resources, the love, the support that I needed most in that moment. Instead of turning away further into myself, opening myself up and communicating what I needed, what I desired, where I was, was actually the thing that preserved the connection rather than severed it.
And so if we can learn to try to communicate, without overexplaining and over apologizing, maybe even being more clear or right-sizing our commitment, knowing that sometimes we say yes to a thing and later we find out it's a no, we can communicate that and almost one hundred percent of the time, most people can accommodate us.
Yes, there will be some people that are disappointed. That's a human emotion that they can deal with.
Yes, sometimes people will be upset.
Yes, sometimes people will be frustrated.
And that doesn't mean we don't get to get our needs met.
It doesn't mean that we have to sacrifice it all and be a martyr just to be in community.
That is actually not what community means.
If we can acknowledge where we are, give ourselves some grace for where we are, if we can communicate where we are, I do think there's a possibility for us to take some baby steps. And so if you're feeling that it's really, really tough to show up in community, think about what it might look like to take a baby step.
Often the bigness of our commitment or the event or the relationship request feels like we have to do it all or nothing.
I want you to challenge yourself here and open up some space, expanding how you might show up, even if you feel like you can't.
Maybe you can't go to the full four-hour event, but maybe you show up for the first 30 minutes and talk to three people. Maybe you can't take the pictures like you promised, but you can post on your social media. Perhaps the group does need people in the space, but right now the best you can do is to donate some money for them to get the supplies that they need.
Take a baby step. Challenge yourself. Play a game if it helps. Bring a friend.
For those of us who are not severely depressed, feelings can follow action. Now, of course, our mental health status plays a huge role in this, but for the most part, if you don't feel like doing something, when you start doing it, you actually feel like doing it.
This morning, I did not wanna get up. I did not wanna clean my room. I did not feel like doing any of those things. I gave myself a timer of five minutes. I said I will start doing it. And as soon as I started doing it, I felt like doing it. I played some of my favorite songs. I danced around my room and I finished in less than three songs. Something that I might've spent all morning in the bed judging myself for, ruminating over, feeling sad about, feeling sorry for myself over.
This is a small example and I am privileged enough to be relatively and temporarily able-bodied enough to do that. I know that that is not the case for everyone, and if you actually are able, have the privilege and space and capacity, try a baby step that will help you move further into community.
Even if you don't go to the thing that you promised, move into a different community, a baby step into another community. Text a friend. Schedule your next therapy appointment.
What we are trying to prevent is you turning and moving and trying to be on an island, which is keeping us further and further from community. And I find that the longer we stay on that island, the more we keep saying no, the more we stop showing up, the harder it is to get back into community.
I think about this for relationships that have gone sour…for service providers that never call me back: as each day passes, it's less and less likely that we'll reestablish that relationship. Of course, there's new ones to be made, but over time, I think with the distance and perhaps the fear and shame about all of the dynamics, it's almost impossible for that relationship to be repaired.
These are just a few things that are on my mind. I'm sure there is so much more. Please let me know in the comments if there are things that are helpful for you for showing up in community when you can't. Even though we know it's the right thing to do, even if we know it's the thing that we need the most, even if we know, once we get there, we'll feel so much better.
I would love to hear from you about this and what you do, how you hold yourself, and other folks accountable to being in community.
[ICYMI and you’re looking for what else to do in this polycrisis hellscape…
PSA: Black Folk, Please Save Yourselves
How to mind your business when “we are each other’s magnitude and bond”]